


Anything You Can Do

by vysila



Category: The Man From U.N.C.L.E. (TV)
Genre: Fluff and Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-07
Updated: 2015-03-07
Packaged: 2018-03-16 19:01:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3499397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vysila/pseuds/vysila
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written as a gift to Yelizaveta52 for the 2011 Easter Egg Exchange on the MFU Writers' Survival School community on LJ. She wanted a slashy Easter pranks story.</p>
<p>Somehow I missed this one when I was putting stories up on AO3.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Anything You Can Do

_April 16, 1965 (Good Friday)_

I smiled, staring straight at my adversary – or at least where I presumed he was – and paid sincere tribute to an inspired level of reckless cunning that suggested a foe at least as devious as my own brand of strategic ingenuity. And then… I showed my teeth.

_Payback's a bitch, partner._

I dropped my gaze to consider my immediate options. The locker was as bare of potential concealment as the rest of the locker room itself. It was either the suit or the shower curtain, and the shower curtain was an unflattering shade of transparency. Although I rather suspected that Illya and most of the ladies doubtlessly gathered outside the locker room would appreciate the, ah, exposure.

I shrugged my way into the pink velour suit and mindful of Aunt Aimée's admonition that, whatever you do, do it with confidence and style, an axiom I still subscribe to, straightened up proudly in full view of the surveillance camera, adjusted the bunny ears to a jaunty angle, and headed for the door.

# # # # #

Four hours later in the privacy of our bedroom, Illya encouraged me to demonstrate the truth of that old adage about rabbits.

# # # # #

_April 17, 1965_

Evidence of violent death is nearly always unsettling, even for those of us who must mete it out on occasion. For those who stumble upon such evidence rarely, it is even more disturbing. And when the victim is universally beloved, well, suffice it to say that emotions will run high in the aftermath.

The hapless pink bunny suit sprawled just outside the canteen entrance, eerily lifeless. An overturned basket and scattered colorful eggs bore mute testimony to the vicious nature of E. Bunny's demise. To my experienced eye, the lurid spatter painting the otherwise immaculate steel hallway suggested the cause of death to be a single, clean shot.

Which had most assuredly been delivered by the weapon left so incriminatingly at the scene by the dastardly perpetrator: an exact replica of an UNCLE Special, the "K" stamped on the grip prominently displayed for all to see. 

A crudely lettered placard on the deceased's chest bore the message:

EASTER HAS BEEN CANCELLED DUE TO AN UNFORESEEN INCIDENT

Beside me, Napoleon tsked sorrowfully. "And after everything he did for you last night, tovarisch."

Well, this certainly explained the multitude of amused looks, knowing winks and suppressed giggles I'd received since entering headquarters this morning. 

And it most definitely explained the extraordinarily smug smile Napoleon had been wearing all day. Foolish me, to have ascribed the smile to the previous night's activity.

# # # # #

When Napoleon arrived home that evening, I spoke not a word but merely switched on the turntable in the big Magnavox stereo console – preloaded with a record I'd had to scour four music shops to find on my way home. Ah, the incomparable Bing Crosby.

_Anything you can do, I can do better  
I can do anything better than you_

After all, we both are men who enjoy impossible challenges.

# # # # #

**Author's Note:**

> If you'd like to hear the song Illya tortured Napoleon with, click the linky. I leave it to your imagination what retribution followed.
> 
> [Anything You Can Do](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jMCB3AaPG8I)


End file.
